♦Jupiter x Mercury ~ EMOTIONS ~ Oneshot

I walked out that door, my face emotionless, my eyes empty and head held normally, like any other person on a normal day. But as soon as I stepped into a safer place, a place far away, I let that mask fall as my eyes showed the wetness locked inside them and my throat unlocked, letting my face free to express the pain and loneliness I felt at that moment.

It didn't take more than the second to lock the door, I just couldn't hold my sobs as my lungs seemed to be empty and make me gasp for air, as I slid down onto the floor of my apartment and cried like I hadn't in a very, very long time.

My heart hurt to bad, I felt so tense and weak, my head was practically spinning as I leaned it back against the wall, hugging my knees as I let out a silent scream. I didn't let the sound go out, but I felt it tearing in my throat as my jaws tensed terribly and I tried to hold things in. I knew I wouldn't be able to.

More tears fall down, I wipe them away with my shirt, but it's not as if they stop. More keep coming, and I can just sigh and try to keep my breath, try to keep the sound in as all off this pours out. My whole body is hurting from this, even though it's more of an emotional pain… all this tension ended up extending it to the physical.

Something inside me was breaking even more, I just couldn't stand holding back as more sobs came up. I grabbed a cushion that had fallen off the couch and hugged that tight, hoping to find comfort in it. That reminded me of when I was crying, before, instead of a cushion I could have someone's arms around me, holding me close…

Whimpering, I managed to gasp for air before more sobs came from my throat. I remembered those moments, and that promise… we were a family from the beginning, they accepted me so well, we promised to stay together forever, no matter what happened. Was that broken so easily? Do they still accept me? Can I accept that, them, and myself?

I can't understand this, it's such a complicated situation for one to be them. I know them but now, I feel like a complete stranger. My band mates, my friends, the only family I have left… what happened? I curl up more, thinking of it. It hurts so much to think this could have ended it, and I don't know how it started, if it was me, or him, or maybe someone else.

What's worse is that all this pain… I know I was the one to hurt him, I said all that, I ended this… I feel so guilty but I doubt I'd have the courage to face him, even if it were to say sorry. Even if it were to see him one last time before I vanish from earth.

I feel the need to curl up in bed, in the far corner, cover myself in blankets and just stay there. Sleep, maybe, but no food, no water… just let time take me away. I'm so radically emotional at times, I still don't know how to control it, or how even the smallest thing can hit me so hard. Sure, this isn't a small thing.

I run my fingers through my hair, clench my fist, and pull. Not hard enough to tear, just to hurt. I need to snap out of this, think, find a way to apologize. I'm sure I made him hate me, but if there's a small chance of that not being true… I don't know if I can stand to be forgiven. Why are all these things so hard?

Suddenly I feel so weak… my breath is near normal, the sobs stop, only the tears go on rolling as I fall to my side, managing to put the cushion under my head. It isn't that long until I pass out.

~~~

My mind is racing over his words, over what he did, but I know he didn't mean it all. I know him well, he's just so emotional and fragile, if he's still awake by now he must be crying. Some would call him weak, but it's not his fault all that happens. I should have known what to say to make him calm down and make him stay, but I ended up being stabbed by those words.

For someone usually so cheerful and cute, he knows how to be cold and cruel when it comes to it. But he always breaks down right after it, I've seen it happen before. He was feeling numb, after numbness comes loss of control in some form, and well… if he snaps, he breaks.

Gathering whatever strength I have left, I stand and grab the keys to his apartment, I still have my copy of them. He was to move in here next week, though… Shaking my head, I leave and lock the door behind me, heading to the building he lives in. I grabbed a hat to cover my eyes, and I think it's safe to assume no one would notice my state before I got up there.

The building is almost empty, it's a cold time of the year even though it's not winter just yet. This is a considerably small city unless we have snow or it's plain summer, which explains it. I sigh, going up the stairs and finally standing in front of the dark, wooden door. I test the key, and notice he left his own key in. Luckily, I manage to push it out because of how it was left, opening the door.

Beside the door, curled up and with his head on a cushion, was the one I was looking for. And I was right, he cried himself to sleep, right on the floor… I can hear music in the background, and for the lyrics, it certainly didn't help him. Shaking my head, I pick him up carefully and walk to the bedroom, sitting down on the bed.

Throwing my hat somewhere to the side, I lay down and pull him close, kissing his forehead and holding him protectively. I know that as soon as he wakes up we'll have to find some way to deal with this situation, but being here with him gives me the comfort I needed to be able to keep him with me.

For the rest of the night, I didn't dare close my eyes to rest. I won't let him run away from me this time, I'm sure we can solve this… at least he looks peaceful now, sleeping so calmly. I still have to figure out what exactly started all this, but if we manage to sort things out without knowing I can try leaving that back.

~~~

I yawned softly, I felt so warm… my lungs felt heavy, which told me I cried myself to sleep, but this warmth… As memories came flashing back, I also noticed he was awake and right here holding me. Looking up, I met his eyes. Green eyes, filled with that love and warmth, and with the comfort I knew I needed.

But I couldn't ask that of him, after doing what I did… I looked back down, and tried to move away. I know it won't work, when I'm like this I can't get away from him… sighing, I look back up and bite my lower lip, hesitating.

"Yuu…"

"Don't… don't worry about it, okay?" He smiled, and I knew he meant his words. But I couldn't not worry, it just wasn't possible. "And stop blaming yourself, you know it's not something good for you…" Can he read my mind or something? I almost forgot that…

His smile is so warm that I can't help but smile back slightly, for only a second, as my heart seems lighter. He kisses me, it's soft, slow and gentle, a comforting kiss. It works, I should stop being so vulnerable but at the same time I'm thankful for this, I need it. And as long as I can try to make him happy… I can even face the challenge to try controlling those messed up emotions of mine. I just don't want to hurt him.